Thursday, September 23, 2010

Our time at the edge.

"Jules, y'know, honey... this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journeys by it, but the joke was on them... there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough... We're all going through this. It's our time at the edge."


Let's chalk up another life lesson driven home by a brat pack movie. What've I learned today? At this age, everyone is going through hell. Early twenties is prime suffering time. Except for the rare cases of people who find stability young or those who are blissfuly oblivious, most of us are obsessed with one or all of the following: finding love, making enough money to live comfortably, and/or finding a job that will make the first two obsessions less difficult to come by. And as close as I sometimes feel I am to giving up and retreating to my bedroom until I'm 25, it's comforting to know that 80% of other people in my age group are considering hibernation as a tempting alternative, as well. But we keep on. At least, I know I will. And I'll try to keep in mind that I'm not the only one who's love sick, or broke, or a nervous wreck. This bandwagon is pretty damn full. So we might as well make the best of it.

Monday, September 13, 2010

and everything you're chasin', it seems to leave you empty.

I felt like running today. Not in terms of physical activity, but in terms of getting the hell out of this area and never looking back. How am I in this place again? I need to take the power back. I need to stop letting people get under my skin so deeply that I analyze every single move they make for some indication of what I should do next. I'm tired of letting someone have control over my emotions. There are times when I feel comfortable being me... then there are other times when I feel aggressively mediocre in every way possible... And the kicker here? Anytime I feel bad about myself, it is directly related to how that guy is treating me that day. Before that guy, it was the other one. Given that this one is a million times better than the former, but still: What is that? I am who I am. I may not be perfect, but I'm the only me there is. How can I expect someone else to see my worth and treat me accordingly if, half the time,I can't even see how valuable I am? I know one thing: I deserve better than the shit I've been through when it comes to the people in my life who have a penis. It's soul-searching time, folks.

The main idea here is: Time to learn to love myself unconditionally, because I'm the only me I've got. And the more I think about it, the more satisfied I am with that.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Stood on the edge, tied to a noose. And you came along and you cut me loose.

"I need somone strong and resolute and sure of themselves. They would have to be in order to put up with me. I am intense and passionate and sexual and emotional and fiercely loyal and jealous and possessive and an absolute mess. But I have the best of intentions. I would never try to hurt someone, and when I love someone, be it friend or family or him, I don't hold back. I can't. Even if I end up getting hurt. I wouldn't erase anything from my past. As cliche as this is, everything I've done and said and experienced, has made me who I am today. This may not be the same "me" next year, and definitely not the same ten years from now. But whoever the right man is will know all my quirks and all my imperfections, and still think I'm the best damn thing that's ever happened to him."

I wrote this more than two years ago, but it's still true. I know who I am. I know what kind of person I am, and I'm happy with myself. I am the definition of a hopeless romantic, and I mean every word I say. I feel like people don't give me a chance. They either listen to the stream of bullshit someone insists on feeding them about me, or they decide to go with someone else who I can guarantee has got nothing on me. I know what I deserve. But I also know what I want.

Why would you walk away from someone who genuinely cares about you and wants to be the one to make you happy to appease people who don't give a shit about anyone other than themselves? Who have to tear others down in order to compensate for their own unhappiness?

So for the love of Jesus Christ, Mohammad, Krishna, Buddha, any effing deity out there, open your damn eyes and start thinking for yourself. I won't wait much longer. Please don't let me down.

Monday, March 15, 2010

she let her heart and soul ride in your hands.

So, what made you think that you could take a life, and just push it around? I guess to build yourself up so high, you had to take her and break her down.
I'm gonna be okay. I know that. I know he was bad for me. I know I made mistakes too. I know that in five years, this won't hurt so bad, and I will have been with a few other guys since, and maybe even married. For now, it hurts like hell. But, I'm so grateful to have my friends and my family. You've kept me sane. He's never coming back to me, but you guys never left in the first place, and that means the world to me. I'm comforted knowing that I tried. I gave him every chance to reciprocate, and that's all I can do. I can't pretend I don't love him. I can't pretend the last two years didn't mean a thing to me, even if they did not mean so much to him. One day, it won't hurt so much. One day, all the memories will become blurry. So I'll wait. But not for him.
For me.
It took a while for her to figure out that she could run, but when she did, she was long gone.
P.S. Chelsea, Jovita, Alma, Sami... you all deserve better. You are beautiful, strong, intelligent women. I have faith in you, and I will always be here for you. No matter how far away I am.