I'm scared to see the ending. Why are you pretending this is nothing?

Maybe adoring Taylor Swift isn't quite considered the cool thing to do for a 21 year old, but I seem to have an affinity for people with that name. She writes songs that are so relatable. This song really is the story of my "us". But I know I haven't seen the ending of this particular story. And my heart tells me that I haven't missed the dramatic twist, the tear-jerking, pulse-racing climax.I know everyone thinks I should move on, but there's no turning around at this point. I may lack faith in a lot of areas, but he is not one of them. One kiss trumps every tear. One minute spent with him is a million times better than any hour spent on my own. I'll hold onto my hope, even though all plausible evidence says to give up and hit the road, because I'd just spend forever hoping that road would end up back at his door. I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm holding my breath for that happy ending.

Even if I'm forgotten, you'll remember me for today.

"Gonna run, baby, run like a stream down a mountainside. With the wind at my back, I won't ever even bat an eye. Just know it was you all along who had ahold of my heart."

I know I've said this before, but I think it's time for me to skip town. All the old cliches about not running from your problems, about toughing it out and working through it don't seem to apply here. I can't fix this. For as much as I try, I inevitably just make it worse. And there's no way to fix something that is beyond my control, no way to make him see how good it could be if he'd let it when he refuses to even open his eyes. I do deserve to be treated a shit ton better. I know that. Maybe I am a masochist. Maybe I enjoy the pain. But I don't think that's it. I'm just in love with someone who won't let me in again, if he ever really did in the first place. I didn't plan for that. Believe me, I've been all around that mountain, but for the life of me, can't find the right way to scale it. Everything I've done and everything I've said has been in an effort to pull this thing together. I honestly thought that someday, he'd come around and everything would be perfect. But, as a role model of mine put it, relationships have to be two people, not one who takes everything and abuses the situation while the other continues to support and hope for the best. I'm not innocent in this thing. I've been dishonest about what I wanted. I've had some batshit crazy moments, especially at the start. But that was forever ago, and I can't keep apologizing for something I can't change. Since then, I've initiated my share of the situations that have complicated our relationship even further. But just as making a relationship work takes two people, it takes that many to fuck it up. I know he's treated me like shit. I know no one deserves to be hurt the way I got hurt. I know better than anyone what it is to cry so much that you've got nothing left in you to cry, to want something so badly that it becomes the only thing that can make you feel whole. I know no one really understands why I set my heart and my hopes on someone who wouldn't risk anything for me. But for all the bad, the good memories are the ones I can't make myself let go... the times I'd sell my soul to relive over and over again, the moments we lost ourselves in, the nights I wished morning would stay away for a few more days... or years. No amount of pain could make me wish he'd never happened to me. All of my favorite memories take place in that little dusty room. All of the things I'll look back on when I'm eighty and smile are with him.

For that reason, I need to leave. It seems like it'd hurt less not to see him since he's far away than it would to be five miles away from him and still not see him. There's nothing else for me here. Everyone has got someone, something keeping them around. I haven't. Maybe I'll change my mind next week.Or maybe I'll be miles away from this place by then. Either way, something's gotta change. I can't keep feeling so low. There's gotta be something out there to make me feel alive aside from him. At least, I damn sure hope so.

Our time at the edge.

"Jules, y'know, honey... this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journeys by it, but the joke was on them... there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough... We're all going through this. It's our time at the edge."

Let's chalk up another life lesson driven home by a brat pack movie. What've I learned today? At this age, everyone is going through hell. Early twenties is prime suffering time. Except for the rare cases of people who find stability young or those who are blissfuly oblivious, most of us are obsessed with one or all of the following: finding love, making enough money to live comfortably, and/or finding a job that will make the first two obsessions less difficult to come by. And as close as I sometimes feel I am to giving up and retreating to my bedroom until I'm 25, it's comforting to know that 80% of other people in my age group are considering hibernation as a tempting alternative, as well. But we keep on. At least, I know I will. And I'll try to keep in mind that I'm not the only one who's love sick, or broke, or a nervous wreck. This bandwagon is pretty damn full. So we might as well make the best of it.

and everything you're chasin', it seems to leave you empty.

I felt like running today. Not in terms of physical activity, but in terms of getting the hell out of this area and never looking back. How am I in this place again? I need to take the power back. I need to stop letting people get under my skin so deeply that I analyze every single move they make for some indication of what I should do next. I'm tired of letting someone have control over my emotions. There are times when I feel comfortable being me... then there are other times when I feel aggressively mediocre in every way possible... And the kicker here? Anytime I feel bad about myself, it is directly related to how that guy is treating me that day. Before that guy, it was the other one. Given that this one is a million times better than the former, but still: What is that? I am who I am. I may not be perfect, but I'm the only me there is. How can I expect someone else to see my worth and treat me accordingly if, half the time,I can't even see how valuable I am? I know one thing: I deserve better than the shit I've been through when it comes to the people in my life who have a penis. It's soul-searching time, folks.

The main idea here is: Time to learn to love myself unconditionally, because I'm the only me I've got. And the more I think about it, the more satisfied I am with that.

Stood on the edge, tied to a noose. And you came along and you cut me loose.

"I need somone strong and resolute and sure of themselves. They would have to be in order to put up with me. I am intense and passionate and sexual and emotional and fiercely loyal and jealous and possessive and an absolute mess. But I have the best of intentions. I would never try to hurt someone, and when I love someone, be it friend or family or him, I don't hold back. I can't. Even if I end up getting hurt. I wouldn't erase anything from my past. As cliche as this is, everything I've done and said and experienced, has made me who I am today. This may not be the same "me" next year, and definitely not the same ten years from now. But whoever the right man is will know all my quirks and all my imperfections, and still think I'm the best damn thing that's ever happened to him."

I wrote this more than two years ago, but it's still true. I know who I am. I know what kind of person I am, and I'm happy with myself. I am the definition of a hopeless romantic, and I mean every word I say. I feel like people don't give me a chance. They either listen to the stream of bullshit someone insists on feeding them about me, or they decide to go with someone else who I can guarantee has got nothing on me. I know what I deserve. But I also know what I want.

Why would you walk away from someone who genuinely cares about you and wants to be the one to make you happy to appease people who don't give a shit about anyone other than themselves? Who have to tear others down in order to compensate for their own unhappiness?

So for the love of Jesus Christ, Mohammad, Krishna, Buddha, any effing deity out there, open your damn eyes and start thinking for yourself. I won't wait much longer. Please don't let me down.

she let her heart and soul ride in your hands.

So, what made you think that you could take a life, and just push it around? I guess to build yourself up so high, you had to take her and break her down.

I'm gonna be okay. I know that. I know he was bad for me. I know I made mistakes too. I know that in five years, this won't hurt so bad, and I will have been with a few other guys since, and maybe even married. For now, it hurts like hell. But, I'm so grateful to have my friends and my family. You've kept me sane. He's never coming back to me, but you guys never left in the first place, and that means the world to me. I'm comforted knowing that I tried. I gave him every chance to reciprocate, and that's all I can do. I can't pretend I don't love him. I can't pretend the last two years didn't mean a thing to me, even if they did not mean so much to him. One day, it won't hurt so much. One day, all the memories will become blurry. So I'll wait. But not for him.

For me.

It took a while for her to figure out that she could run, but when she did, she was long gone.

P.S. Chelsea, Jovita, Alma, Sami... you all deserve better. You are beautiful, strong, intelligent women. I have faith in you, and I will always be here for you. No matter how far away I am.

make it was.

wipe off that makeup, love,

cover yourself back up

that skin just reminds you

of how he takes advantage

and how you never learn

years of tears, then there was hope

but he was a mistake

all those nights spent

waiting up

making excuses for him

taking the slurs and the words

and turning them into love

turning them into a scared hurt soul

but it was all in your head

his first and last love is for himself

it was never for you

nor will it ever be

he wants to revel

he wants power

he wants none of you

save the ego trip you supply

it is his oxygen

while he is your's.

Make it was, love. Make it was.