I'm scared to see the ending. Why are you pretending this is nothing?

Maybe adoring Taylor Swift isn't quite considered the cool thing to do for a 21 year old, but I seem to have an affinity for people with that name. She writes songs that are so relatable. This song really is the story of my "us". But I know I haven't seen the ending of this particular story. And my heart tells me that I haven't missed the dramatic twist, the tear-jerking, pulse-racing climax.I know everyone thinks I should move on, but there's no turning around at this point. I may lack faith in a lot of areas, but he is not one of them. One kiss trumps every tear. One minute spent with him is a million times better than any hour spent on my own. I'll hold onto my hope, even though all plausible evidence says to give up and hit the road, because I'd just spend forever hoping that road would end up back at his door. I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm holding my breath for that happy ending.

Even if I'm forgotten, you'll remember me for today.

"Gonna run, baby, run like a stream down a mountainside. With the wind at my back, I won't ever even bat an eye. Just know it was you all along who had ahold of my heart."

I know I've said this before, but I think it's time for me to skip town. All the old cliches about not running from your problems, about toughing it out and working through it don't seem to apply here. I can't fix this. For as much as I try, I inevitably just make it worse. And there's no way to fix something that is beyond my control, no way to make him see how good it could be if he'd let it when he refuses to even open his eyes. I do deserve to be treated a shit ton better. I know that. Maybe I am a masochist. Maybe I enjoy the pain. But I don't think that's it. I'm just in love with someone who won't let me in again, if he ever really did in the first place. I didn't plan for that. Believe me, I've been all around that mountain, but for the life of me, can't find the right way to scale it. Everything I've done and everything I've said has been in an effort to pull this thing together. I honestly thought that someday, he'd come around and everything would be perfect. But, as a role model of mine put it, relationships have to be two people, not one who takes everything and abuses the situation while the other continues to support and hope for the best. I'm not innocent in this thing. I've been dishonest about what I wanted. I've had some batshit crazy moments, especially at the start. But that was forever ago, and I can't keep apologizing for something I can't change. Since then, I've initiated my share of the situations that have complicated our relationship even further. But just as making a relationship work takes two people, it takes that many to fuck it up. I know he's treated me like shit. I know no one deserves to be hurt the way I got hurt. I know better than anyone what it is to cry so much that you've got nothing left in you to cry, to want something so badly that it becomes the only thing that can make you feel whole. I know no one really understands why I set my heart and my hopes on someone who wouldn't risk anything for me. But for all the bad, the good memories are the ones I can't make myself let go... the times I'd sell my soul to relive over and over again, the moments we lost ourselves in, the nights I wished morning would stay away for a few more days... or years. No amount of pain could make me wish he'd never happened to me. All of my favorite memories take place in that little dusty room. All of the things I'll look back on when I'm eighty and smile are with him.

For that reason, I need to leave. It seems like it'd hurt less not to see him since he's far away than it would to be five miles away from him and still not see him. There's nothing else for me here. Everyone has got someone, something keeping them around. I haven't. Maybe I'll change my mind next week.Or maybe I'll be miles away from this place by then. Either way, something's gotta change. I can't keep feeling so low. There's gotta be something out there to make me feel alive aside from him. At least, I damn sure hope so.